LostAngelsMovie>RennReed>RobertRedford>SundanceFF>7

28 06 2016

China in the 1970’s was everything one could imagine. I lived, and designed there from 1977 -1980. The Chinese were great to me, no matter their socio-economic circumstances. Rich or poor, young or old, we all got along just fine.

There were enough of the modern conveniences to be comfortable while living in the exotic flair of the Chinese culture. But every day, and every night, I missed you so…

In Kaohsiung, Taiwan (which is in southern Taiwan) most of my contacts were business owners or creative professionals. A bank president and owner of the bank; an owner of a prominent 5 star hotel and a prominent department store chain; a noted actress equal to a Lauren Ball here in the United States; and so forth.

But, I never forgot about YOU. I carved out an interesting professorial journey thanks to the friends I made in Taiwan (The Republic of China or R.O.C.); and China (The People’s Republic of China or P. R.C.). 

Sometimes politics can sometimes make things seem like something that they aren’t. Sometimes you have to live and work in a place to even come close to understanding it, if you’re lucky, that is.
It’s so very hard to write about you. I miss you so, my Robert.

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LostAngelsMovie>RennReed>RobertRedford>SundanceFF>6

3 06 2016

The mind is a funny place. We think we know what’s best, for ourself, and for those we love. When really it is all just a crapshoot. But my movie, Lost Angels The Discovery, is not.

Adele is a wonderful singer/songwriter. Maybe you’ve heard of her. But if you haven’t you should buy at least her latest album titled, “25”. Her songs speak to my heart and I’m not much of one for nostalgia except when it alludes to those I love.

But, “The Other Side” speaks to “US”. About “US”. I’m certain there are many who feel the same. We are ” …running out of time”, you and I. No one knows what tomorrow may bring. All any of us know is that bills and hard work are givens, every single day.

I miss you. Your face. Your tenderness. But your eyes always spoke volumes. It seemed that when you looked into my eyes there was always doubt. A questioning. It was never a lack of trust. You just seemed to not really believe, in me.

We all need acceptance. You did that. We all need a friend to be able to share ourselves with. You were that. We all need love and a positive rapport with those close to us. To grow, learn from, and become ourselves. Only better. We had that.

But your eyes were full of a longing, of a sadness. I’m not exactly sure how to even describe it. You weren’t happy, that was clear. I did not hold the answers, the solution. I did not hold that magic key to make it all okay for you.

And in that horrible day when you broke the bad news to me, what was I suppose to do? What was I suppose to say? I was young, and not demanding. I was not a DIVA and cannot even imagine thinking that I had a “RIGHT” to you.

So I did the only thing I understood, I left. It’s not like I even thought, ” …so how dare she interfere with us”! You were hers. She was yours.

I was something else. But the “Mistress” type I was not. To be that “OTHER WOMAN”, no thank you. I respected your children too much for such.

And, if you think it was easy. Any of it. Wake Up!! Because it wasn’t. Ever.





LostAngelsMovie>RennReed>RobertRedford>SundanceFF>3

18 05 2016

We were together for 5 years, you and I. You thought I didn’t love you, the way “…you loved me”… WHY??

I refused everything you tried to give me. Everyone else just took what you offered. It made sense to me to decline. Not to be different, but rather genuine.

It’s my nature to try and do for myself. I had goals, plans. I thought by refusing it would be abundantly clear just how much I love you!!

But it didn’t. It seems to me that you walked around viewing everything from only your perspective. Do you still?? I realize that we had deep discussions at times. We even “debated” things at times. And occasionally even chatted about ” …things”… at times.

I stayed with you because I believed in you. In the possibility of us. It was a worthwhile investment, I thought, of my time and energy, and… my love for you. I really didn’t see you the way so many do, mostly women.

We’d be walking with your arm around me. When suddenly out of nowhere a woman would grab you and kiss you. I stood by each time wondering why they thought this was okay?!

And although I always knew you belonged to the fantasies of women around the world. I simply thought of you as my dear, loving friend. Naive or not, I was always surprised by the boldness of others.

Remember the fellow you threw through his cars’ windshield after comments he made about me?? I don’t think anyone then, or now for that matter, would believe that we were just platonic friends.

You were married, with children. And to be anything other than respectful of this just seemed wrong to me. I wanted you to know that. I wanted you to know that I could wait, would wait. But then that horrible day actually came.

The day that I’d finally believed would never happen, happened. You told me of canceling your pending divorce. That she said you had to wait until your youngest turned 18. Then you proposed to me, giving me that beautiful yellow, baguette diamond ring. Which I stared at for a long time then handed it back to you, sobbing.

Did you think I was stupid? Or maybe… your personal whore? Nah, I don’t believe it. Won’t believe it. You weren’t like that.

But I was not going to wait 9-10 years. I had a life, goals, plans, idea’s. That beautiful ring changed nothing. The reality I’d been avoiding all those years just finally hit home. No more denial, no more pretending. As they say, ” …it is what it is”.

I needed to get my head back above water because I was drowning in you. “Fight or Flee” syndrome is what I had. I had clearly lost the fight. It was now time to flee. I didn’t want to go, but China was beckoning me.

I learned the grass is not greener on the other side.





Hope=Believe+DoIt>SFF/RobertRedford+JohnCooper

3 01 2016

As I said in a previous blog, life is tough! It throws us curve balls, slams us against the wall, then rips our heart out.

But the key is to find a do-able way to weather the hard times. It’s so easy to become cynical. So easy to become bitter. I’ve been there, didn’t like it one bit. I didn’t like the way it felt.

Robert/John C, I’ve been searching for years how to at least genuinely Hope, again. How to Believe, again. And most of all, How to Dream, again. Sundance helped give me perspective.

The only answer I have found that works for me is to Do. Nike’s motto to, Just Do It, for me works. In Doing “It” I know I’m at least trying, and making an honest effort.

I Don’t know how far I’ll go. But at least I’m trying, no matter who makes fun of me. Or no matter the event in my life that tries to stop me.

I Am Doing It simply by genuinely trying. So I now have a % of Hope. I can’t measure it but if it’s the size of a mustard seed, it will grow… strong and big!

 





Bruce, Robert Redford, & SFF

15 12 2015

So I’ve heard this past week that there were those who thought this to be a dead blog site… No Way!!!

I fell, hit my head damn hard on the kitchen floor at the McD’s where I work. Wasn’t good, couldn’t remember my name. I have worked damn hard to pull “IT” together.

So although I don’t blog everyday, or necessarily every week. I truly try to blog once a month. But since I learned people thought we’d given up.

I’m writing this to say, do you know me?! And, if you think you know me, why would you say, much less think I’d given up?! Life kicks us in the ass, and maybe we fall down and lie there for awhile.

But, if you actually knew me, you’d know cancer didn’t keep me down. My ex-husband didn’t keep me down. My 2 daughters didn’t keep me down. So… what do you actually know about me, huh?!

Life is life. It knocks you down, throws you against a wall, tears you up and rips your heart out. A Robert I once knew used to say, you’re young. You’ll learn when you get older. Right, so cynicism = maturity? If that’s the case then I’m more mature than “the hills”!

I have been there, cynical. Don’t like it one bit. Turns a perfectly nice person into a “Bitch” or an “Asshole”. So… I’ve removed the “B” and leave it as an “Itch”.

I’m a “pain-in-the-butt”, an itch with a twist. You can hate me, lie about me, call me names, make fun of me, ignore me and hope I just go away, or like my ex, wish I was dead. Not gonna happen, I’m here to stay.

The “good guys” don’t run and hide, they stay and fight the good fight. They get up, dust themselves off, re-group, and go at it again. I’ll make my movie, that’s the very least I can do for Steven.

Love is love, mine doesn’t die, it grows. Like my loyalty when treated right, believe in me. You’ll see, even if I’m 90.





Film Industry, Sundance Film Festival, Me…

7 04 2012

I am trying very hard to make a film worthy of anyone seriously pursuing filmmaking.  The difference is that my husband and I are doing it all by ourselves, pretty much.  Our best friend Steve passed away 11 years ago now, suddenly of cancer.  We learned about it 3 weeks before his passing.  He wanted very much to make films, he loved good stories, and so we decided to pursue filmmaking in his honor and his memory.

We all know these things take time, hard work, consistent dedication, talent, and so many other important and useful qualities.  I in know way pretend to have them all, or know it all.  I simply push forward hoping some in this industry of filmmaking will take me seriously, meaning my work.

Steve and my husband helped me become cancer free after 12 years, 1987-1999.  Steve passed on Jon Bon Jovi’s birthday March 2, 2001.  Some have said to me why do you dwell on the past?!?  I don’t.  I use my history to push me forward, to remember all of those who have been positive influences in my life.  And for all who are of the opinion that I whine and complain, you try surviving 12 years of cancer, or 7 years of cancer, like Steve Jobs did.  Then if you are one of the “lucky ones” to survive, what they don’t tell you is what you will go through to re-build your life.

I am grateful for all that I have been blessed with, my creative journey has kept me both sane and full of hope that there must be some in this wonderful industry of filmmaking that do not discriminate simply because I am a “50 something”.  All that I am trying to do with my life is have a life.  A life that I was blessed to have thanks to a higher power most of us call God, and two wonderful and dear friends, Mark being my sweet husband.

I have lost my third computer since 2008 to hackers, I will get another at some point when my budget allows.  But in the meantime I am working on my shooting schedule here in Iowa, sketching my storyboard for “Lost Angels”.  In addition, I am working out the kinks in my lyrics for both my movie soundtrack, as well as my commercial CD that will be genre specific.

Life is not easy for any of us.  This economy we are all in makes dreams that much harder to pursue, and achieve.

Thank you all for your interest and support because we can all use a community of people that like and care about what we do.





We Have 2 Films “In Consideration” @SFF

6 10 2011

We are both humbled and honored to announce that our 2 films, “The Passion, The People, The Party” and “The Art of Patience: A Visual Journey Behind The Arts Of China” are “…In Consideration” @SFF, The Sundance Film Festival.  Thank you Mr. Redford and SFF staff!  We dream it and try to achieve it, but you help to provide the “The Hope” through all of your many supportive and wonderful organizations.  Thank you so very much for the opportunities Sundance makes possible