LostAngelsMovie>RennReed>RobertRedford>SundanceFF>2

10 05 2016

I’ve always believed in you.

Married w/Children was my only reason. All the girls hated me, they couldn’t understand why we became friends. I think really it was more… how did we become friends, and they didn’t.

I’m very ordinary, very average looking.  I was never that good in school. I wanted to make something of myself, stand on my own 2 feet.

You wanted to give me the world. I have loved you always. Yet your mantra to me was, “…do you think you could ever love me the way I love you”?

But you never seemed able to feel my love for you. Maybe because we are born from different generations. I don’t know. Seems though that you should have understood, me, after 5 years??

I refused the jewelry, the monogramed drafting table, clothes, Porsche, apartment, absolutely everything. But you never seemed to actually get it.

I refused it all because all I ever wanted, needed… was you. I didn’t need your money. I didn’t need your fame. I was never with you because of your “Golden Boy” good looks. I enjoyed you, loved YOU.

Refusing all that you offered me including flying to Europe, should have screamed volumes about how much I loved YOU!!

But that day, that horrible day, where reality met fantasy I knew we would never be. Not the way I had hoped. And so I had to do something to help my heart. To help my soul. I had to go away, my pain was too great to stay.

I don’t do well with pain, sadness, all of it. I came to you in tears hoping you would have some reassuring kind words to offer me. But no, you thought I chose China over you.

In all reality I was not capable of fighting the insurmountable odds that I was up against. So the only thing I could do was to flee as far away from you as possible. And in a way where you would never again be able to get to me.

But that path which I chose because of how the stars changed our world. What I thought was a constructive way to re-think and re-organize my life, my goals.

Turned out to be the most horrid of nightmares. A scorpions nest full of the worst dreams one could ever imagine. And some beyond imagining. No one could have foreseen any of this shit-storm coming. Not a soul.

That’s when I began to realize, and learn that yes, although we do make decisions everyday. All too frequently for many of us, consequences occur that hit us seemingly out of no where.

And there we are truly in the middle of the storm. No family to help, and no friends available. There we are, stuck, and shit-outta-luck.

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LostAngelsMovie>RennReed>RobertRedford>SundanceFF>1

1 05 2016

So… I’ve learned that whether we like it or not, all things are connected. For example, I make a choice, a decision, if you will. You think, a-ha well she chose that over me!!
Thereby you (hypothetically speaking) and not necessarily understanding, that your decision(s) affected my making the decision(s), that I ultimately made, all because of “Your” choice(s).
Choices are made every day by each and everyone of us. What we eat, will or will not make us fat, for example. But sometimes decisions are made which have an affect, or effect not anticipated, or expected therefore.

I’m so sorry!!! SORRY, SORRY, SORRY to YOU!!! YOU JUST DON’T ACTUALLY KNOW, OR UNDERSTAND that I never meant to hurt you!! EVER!! YOU HAVE no idea how SORRY I Am…
I am “cynically optimistic” that you will forgive me. But truthfully, there is a part of me that doesn’t feel that is possible because you make very clear distinctions about everyone and everything. There seem to be no grays in your world.
It is because you never returned any of my calls or messages when I returned, leaving earlier than expected, to return to you, and therfore left my China behind. That being said, sadly I realized how adamantly you had decided about me, and my choices, decisions. I realized early on an apology is not enough, sometimes, anyway.
I only returned to Taiwan because I was offered a position designing with a major department store in Kaohsiung, Taiwan. Some terrible things happened to me well beyond my control, and clearly not anticipated, much less expected.
And once again, I managed to return to my beautiful USA, with help from some friends.
Hence developing a “cynical optimism” so to speak. And… given current circumstances, which I admit I don’t fully understand. I don’t actually expect you to change “your mind” about “things”.
But I do hope, although hoping does seem hopeless, at times. I always hope to see you, speak/chat with you. I hope to at least be “friends” again, with you… BUT…
I don’t believe because seeing does seem to be required to believe. With that being said, I’m cynical since apparently I do NOT see!! So… how does one, how do I, how to… BELIEVE?? IS THE QUESTION.
I don’t know, don’t have a clue as to how to understand, or come to terms with how EVERYTHING has unfolded in these past 40 years. But I wish, and hope beyond hopes, the best for you everyday!!!
I don’t know, or understand your current situation but only want the best for you, ALWAYS!!!
So, I’m hoping at some point you might be able to FORGIVE ME about “IT All”.
I SHALL ALWAYS LOVE YOU, ALWAYS.





Lost Angels[The Discovery] & Chinese New Year!!

4 02 2016

Chinese New Year is 2/8-2/19, it’s the year of the Monkey!! Let’s all celebrate it!! Here’s hoping Lost Angels[The Discovery] connects with all of the “Gang” so-to-speak!!!

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Lost Angels[The Discovery]>Robert Redford!!

18 01 2016

I shall find a way to make my movie “Lost Angels[The Discovery], in spite of “the haters”. I shall find a way to buy the books to study; I shall find a way to learn all of the software to make it right. I shall find an honest way to pay all of my bills. I shall make our movie in honor of Steve who, along with Mark, helped me to become cancer free.

I have lost 25 hours of work (total hours per week), since November 30th. This current week 1/18 to 1/24 I’ve been scheduled only 15 hours at work. + I’ve been told if,  “…things don’t improve, more will be cut”! Most of the high schoolers are making more hours than I!

“They” try to drag you down. “They” work so hard to make some of us miserable. But I don’t have time for “It”!! I have a life! I may be 62, but, I am young at heart. I believe in “HEART”, perseverance, dedication, hoping for the best, devotion>Robert!!!





Hope=Believe+DoIt>SFF/RobertRedford+JohnCooper

3 01 2016

As I said in a previous blog, life is tough! It throws us curve balls, slams us against the wall, then rips our heart out.

But the key is to find a do-able way to weather the hard times. It’s so easy to become cynical. So easy to become bitter. I’ve been there, didn’t like it one bit. I didn’t like the way it felt.

Robert/John C, I’ve been searching for years how to at least genuinely Hope, again. How to Believe, again. And most of all, How to Dream, again. Sundance helped give me perspective.

The only answer I have found that works for me is to Do. Nike’s motto to, Just Do It, for me works. In Doing “It” I know I’m at least trying, and making an honest effort.

I Don’t know how far I’ll go. But at least I’m trying, no matter who makes fun of me. Or no matter the event in my life that tries to stop me.

I Am Doing It simply by genuinely trying. So I now have a % of Hope. I can’t measure it but if it’s the size of a mustard seed, it will grow… strong and big!

 





Lost Angels[The Discovery],Robert Redford, & Sundance Film Festival

28 12 2015

So people ask me, How’s your movie coming along? I say in reply, given that we are only 2 people and life happens to all of us, pretty good. Thank you for asking.





Bruce, Robert Redford, & SFF

15 12 2015

So I’ve heard this past week that there were those who thought this to be a dead blog site… No Way!!!

I fell, hit my head damn hard on the kitchen floor at the McD’s where I work. Wasn’t good, couldn’t remember my name. I have worked damn hard to pull “IT” together.

So although I don’t blog everyday, or necessarily every week. I truly try to blog once a month. But since I learned people thought we’d given up.

I’m writing this to say, do you know me?! And, if you think you know me, why would you say, much less think I’d given up?! Life kicks us in the ass, and maybe we fall down and lie there for awhile.

But, if you actually knew me, you’d know cancer didn’t keep me down. My ex-husband didn’t keep me down. My 2 daughters didn’t keep me down. So… what do you actually know about me, huh?!

Life is life. It knocks you down, throws you against a wall, tears you up and rips your heart out. A Robert I once knew used to say, you’re young. You’ll learn when you get older. Right, so cynicism = maturity? If that’s the case then I’m more mature than “the hills”!

I have been there, cynical. Don’t like it one bit. Turns a perfectly nice person into a “Bitch” or an “Asshole”. So… I’ve removed the “B” and leave it as an “Itch”.

I’m a “pain-in-the-butt”, an itch with a twist. You can hate me, lie about me, call me names, make fun of me, ignore me and hope I just go away, or like my ex, wish I was dead. Not gonna happen, I’m here to stay.

The “good guys” don’t run and hide, they stay and fight the good fight. They get up, dust themselves off, re-group, and go at it again. I’ll make my movie, that’s the very least I can do for Steven.

Love is love, mine doesn’t die, it grows. Like my loyalty when treated right, believe in me. You’ll see, even if I’m 90.