LostAngelsMovie>RennReed>RobertRedford>SundanceFF>5

22 05 2016

Since you’re about to turn 80 I thought I would try to give one of us closure on this matter of US since neither of us is getting any younger. So… assuming you can’t, or just aren’t interested I’ve decided that I would take that brave first step forward.

And if you walk away with understanding nothing else. It is my hope after all is said and done. That you will know without a doubt that I have always loved you. Always shall love you. I have never stopped believing in you. I do believe that for a moment in time, you loved me too. Once.

And if these, my blogs, are the cause of any embarrassment for you, I’m sorry. I’d heard through the grapevine that your current wife has been of the notion that we communicate. LOL!! She really doesn’t know me at all. We almost reconnected years ago at one of my art exhibitions in the ’80’s.

A lot of people were there. She, your current wife, was there too. I couldn’t get away soon enough. Just as I managed to excuse myself from the interested Art Patrons. Just as I was coming over to you to say “Hi” you walked out the door with her.

So if that actually were true. If in fact we’ve been communicating. Then I wouldn’t be posting my blogs about these past 40 years without you, lol!!
I cried a lot afterwards. Then looked at myself in the mirror and said, time to move on.

But I’m tap dancing around things. I have waited a long, long time to speak to you. To share things with you. And maybe it might help to fill in the cracks, or gaps, or chasms, should you happen to still care.

I never took your comments telling me how much you loved me, for granted. I simply knew I had to be strong for the worst. I had to try to NOT be vulnerable where I would lose all sense of self in you. You are after all very easy to lose oneself in.





LostAngelsMovie>RennReed>RobertRedford>SundanceFF>4

22 05 2016

China changed my life forever. Even so, I’ve never forgotten you. Us. I don’t know that my going to China was a mistake, or wrong. I did manage to sort things out about us that first trip.

That’s why I returned to you. For YOU. For US. Like you had gone on about for 5 years. But, you weren’t there. You weren’t available, to me. Anymore. I called you at all the numbers I had always called you. Left message after message. No reply.

I called more than you can imagine. My calls to you ended because you never called me back. Anymore. So I logically drew the conclusion that I was wrong about you. Wrong about US. There was no more US.

I completed my last semester of college, graduated. And there was no one there to celebrate it with. No family. No friends. But most of all, no you. All those months while at BYU trying to reconnect with you and not once did you ever return my phone calls.

You were always black and white, cut and dried. However you want to put it. At that point you’d become the absolute epitome of a hypocrite, to me. Professing profusely your “profound” love for me. But no reply.

You would go off and work, making your movies for months at a time. But, I was always dependable like clock work. Always there for you when you returned.

However, I go off to China for 18 months and return to you. Finally ready for you. And voila, you’re not there!! Rather, you’re not available to reconnect with. Ever, ever, ever!!

Your life had been carved out long before we met. That’s fine. I wanted my own life. A life I’d earned. Not a life given to me because some rich, famous guy could make anything happen.

Just a life I could be proud of and say, I CAN stand on my own two feet. Why did that bother you so much?? Why did you always equate that important goal of mine to not loving you as much as you claimed you loved me??

I wasn’t being stubborn or egotistical. Really I was being practical. I knew I was young… 17 years younger than you. That didn’t matter to me, but what did matter was your stubbornness. Your ego. It never seemed to be enough that I just loved you, no conditions, no gifts necessary. Just you, just me.