LostAngelsMovie>RennReed>RobertRedford>SundanceFF>3

18 05 2016

We were together for 5 years, you and I. You thought I didn’t love you, the way “…you loved me”… WHY??

I refused everything you tried to give me. Everyone else just took what you offered. It made sense to me to decline. Not to be different, but rather genuine.

It’s my nature to try and do for myself. I had goals, plans. I thought by refusing it would be abundantly clear just how much I love you!!

But it didn’t. It seems to me that you walked around viewing everything from only your perspective. Do you still?? I realize that we had deep discussions at times. We even “debated” things at times. And occasionally even chatted about ” …things”… at times.

I stayed with you because I believed in you. In the possibility of us. It was a worthwhile investment, I thought, of my time and energy, and… my love for you. I really didn’t see you the way so many do, mostly women.

We’d be walking with your arm around me. When suddenly out of nowhere a woman would grab you and kiss you. I stood by each time wondering why they thought this was okay?!

And although I always knew you belonged to the fantasies of women around the world. I simply thought of you as my dear, loving friend. Naive or not, I was always surprised by the boldness of others.

Remember the fellow you threw through his cars’ windshield after comments he made about me?? I don’t think anyone then, or now for that matter, would believe that we were just platonic friends.

You were married, with children. And to be anything other than respectful of this just seemed wrong to me. I wanted you to know that. I wanted you to know that I could wait, would wait. But then that horrible day actually came.

The day that I’d finally believed would never happen, happened. You told me of canceling your pending divorce. That she said you had to wait until your youngest turned 18. Then you proposed to me, giving me that beautiful yellow, baguette diamond ring. Which I stared at for a long time then handed it back to you, sobbing.

Did you think I was stupid? Or maybe… your personal whore? Nah, I don’t believe it. Won’t believe it. You weren’t like that.

But I was not going to wait 9-10 years. I had a life, goals, plans, idea’s. That beautiful ring changed nothing. The reality I’d been avoiding all those years just finally hit home. No more denial, no more pretending. As they say, ” …it is what it is”.

I needed to get my head back above water because I was drowning in you. “Fight or Flee” syndrome is what I had. I had clearly lost the fight. It was now time to flee. I didn’t want to go, but China was beckoning me.

I learned the grass is not greener on the other side.


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